THE ASSORTED SCRIBBLINGS OF JL PAGANO

SONG LYRICS AND POETRY

2005-09-11T18:48:00.019+01:00

NB = These are all lyrics from songs unless otherwise stated.

THE HARPINBANDITS
2011 - a Leinster rugby version of "Horse Outside"
NEEDED (poem)
2008 - not meant to be a comment on my creative consistency, though it could be...
YOUR FACE THIS DAY (poem)
2008 - Written 365 days after the last one - honest!

YOUR FACE THAT DAY (poem)
2007 - Written Feb 13 just in time for Val. Day
MY WEATHERGIRL
2006 - For my best friend and bride-to-be Sandra
NÍ THOSAÍMID AN TINE
2005 - Irish history set to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire"
FEEL SO SMALL
1992,2005 - Self-doubt is both the theme of the song and the reason it took me 12 years to finally finish it
WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THE MADNESS?
2005 - Apparently many people have both someone to whom they would want to play this song, as well as someone they know would want ot sing it to them.
DUN LAOGHAIRE PIER (poem)
2005 - Beautiful day + beautiful setting = inspiration
BLUEBIRD
2001, 2005 - Based on a true story
FORGET
2005 - Many interpretations for this, I will let you forge your own
THE G.S.O.T.
2003 - An anthem for pragmatists everywhere
IN MEMORIAM 091101
2001-My response to the events of September 11
A TOWN CALLED JESUS
2000 - When you are low, there are many roads you can travel - this is about when I was faced with one of them
A WOMAN FOR ME
2000 - Just one self-pity song
NO MATTER HOW
1997 - To call this "Demons In My Soul" would have been too corny
SHANGHAI LULLABY
1996 - About the most fundamental human rights of all
THE NIGHT I ATE THE WORM
1995 - Pretty clear what this is about
WHILE WE
1994 - Just in case Bob Geldof asks me to write a new Band Aid song
HEAVY STUFF
1994 - An ode to my adolescence, inspired by Cobain's demise
BUCKPASSING
1994 - Written to my kids, though the song was conceived before they were
MILLSTONE, USA
1994 - How an ex pat sees his country of birth
THE "REAL WORLD"
1993 - Do we have to be "beautiful people" to succeed?
SO INCREDIBLY NAIVE
1992 - Why did everyone laugh when Rodney King asked if we could all get along?
POLITICAL WILL SONG
1992 - Dreaming of utopia
PATIENT DID NOT WISH TO DIVULGE ANY INFORMATION
1992 - or as I affectionately call it "Ode To A Bastard"
WHEN YOU'RE SEVENTEEN
1991 - You think you know everything...
MONEY'S GOT ME
1991 - Ode to greed in a-capella format
SAN FRANCISCO (YOU CAN BE MY MISTRESS ANYTIME)
1991 - How I see my second city
STRANGLE
1989 - Capital punishment : ample retribution or legalised murder?
I THINK I'M IN HEAVEN
1989 - Yeah I guess I was dreaming...
SERVIETTES (poem)
1988 - Insecurity in relationships - my specialty
LONELINESS
1986 - About just that
THINKING OF YOUR BODY
1985 - Not-so-cleverly-disguised song about masturbation
THE BOMB
1985 - My first complete song, about Hiroshima & Nagasaki

LIFESLICES

2005-09-08T21:25:00.014+01:00

SEEING RIGHT THROUGH PEOPLE

He was more of a pain than a pane...

BRINGING UP THE "RIRE"

The day I made someone laugh en francais...

THE PAVLOVIAN BLOGGER

Also known as "Babes Out of the Mouth"...

THE QUIET MAN

So much to say, so hard to say it

TWIN JETS

Feel free to take the piss...

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY

Have a pint for Father's Day

GUM-BALL

A baseball story that's a bit of a mouthful

KNOWING THE SCORE

A story which I included during "geek week"

YOUR TYPICAL THURSDAY AFTERNOON

Boys will be boys!

THE SHOELACE TRILOGY

Three short stories tied together with shoestring

COURSE CORRECTION

Sadism is not a good quality for exam supervision.

CROSSING PATHS

My excuse for getting lost and I'm sticking to it!

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

My flirtation with the film industry, sadly not Kim Cattral

THOSE WHO CAN'T?

About an undervalued profession

AW, HOW CUUUTE!!!

Look down your nose at ME, will ya?

A STORY WITH A TWIST OR TWO

What is they say about lightning striking twice?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT SPREADING
"Nothing to see here, folks..."
KNUCKLEBURGER AND FRIES

An alternative title was "Punch and Duty"

CRETAN CONDOM CAPER

One night in a bar on a Greek island...

GHOST IN THE MACHINE

Was I working to hard or just crazy?

BETWEEN TWO STOOLS

I need this story to remember my grandfather's last days by

SLIP OF THE TEXT

There have been far worst nicknames for ex'es in history, I'm sure...

DON'T BE SHY

Is there etiquette to handle this situation?

THE RIGHT THING TO SAY

They were asking for it

CAUGHT ON THE HOP

It could only happen to me...

A FAMILIAR FACE

This could also only happen to me...

IMPLICATIONS

A complex game of Chinese whispers bites me in the ass

WHAT'S IN A NAME INDEED

That's Jeff WITH a J, thank you

ROOF GOOF

What idiot did THAT?

OVER THE EDGE

Read it carefully before you judge...

WHEN I WAS THE GREATEST

The things you get up to as a kid...

IT WAS NO WALK IN THE PARK

Maybe I'm gettin too old for this concert lark

A CLOSED MOUTH DOESN'T GET FED

A classic exchange between me and my grandmother

STORIES WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

2005-09-06T14:40:00.005+01:00

A WARTS 'N ALL AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ORDINARY GUY

In October 2004, I set myself a writing assignment.

My grandfather had recently passed away, and he left behind his memoirs from WWII which he never finished. Since I was eager to test my writing abilities, I became determined to have some kind of account of my life put on record for my children so at least they could have some idea of my first 35 years alive on this planet.

The format was to be 50 essays, each comprising exactly 1000 words, or at least according to Microsoft Word 2002. I was also determined to have the work done by New Year's Day, and dagnabit, I did it.

I started posting them on my blog "A Bit O' Pampering And The Odd Shag" in March 2005, for it gave me something to post regularly to keep it ticking over. I was to post one chapter every 5 days right up to the final one. Below is a series of links so that you can follow the book in sequence should you so wish. Each chapter's title begins "1000 Words On..."

Naturally some of the chapters are a bit too personal in nature and so I have decided to reserve them for my children's eyes only. Here's a full list of the chapters nonetheless, but some of them do not lead to any text.

1. Introductions
2. Before I Came Along
3. My Life Before Ireland
4. My Grandfather And I
5. My Grandmother And I
6. The Rest Of The Clan
7. Count Kareshka
8. The Lee Household
9. My Alma Mater
10. Christmastime
11. Imaginary Friends
12. Some Of My Lyrics
13. My Mother And I (years of admiration)
14. My Inspirations
15. Tottenham Hotspur FC
16. Insomnia Questions
17. Live Aid
18. My Virginity
19. Quasi-Trekkie-Ness
20. Working In The Pub
21. The College Years
22. My Just Doing It (Sports That Is!)
23. Finding My Religion
24. My Ex
25. More Of My Lyrics
26. My Retail Career
27. The Airport Incident
28. Money And Stuff
29. My Mother And I (years of despair)
30. My Daughter
31. The United States Of America
32. My Son
33. My Virtual Life
34. Football In Ireland
35. Even More Bloody Lyrics!
36. The Demon Drink
37. The Other Women
38. Meldrew Moments
39. Closure
40. The Good And The Bad Crowds
41. Human Rights
42. The Hash Years
43. My Biological Father
44. September 11, 2001
45. My Self-Esteem
46. My Driving Test
47. The Republic Of Ireland
48. My Fiancée
49. Bleeding Heart Liberals
50. New Year’s Day 2005

RANTS AND OBSERVATIONS

2005-09-05T22:42:00.001+01:00

MORE LIKE "SHAME AND BLAME"

Bloggers bring white phosphorus to the public's attention

THE VICIOUS CYCLE

At least the controversy makes cycling somewhat interesting...

CLASH OF THE ASH

My take on the Irish pastime of hurling

GROCERS AND RETAILERS TAKE NOTE

The customer may not always be right, but there are still limits...

REMEMBER JAPAN'S 9/11

The 60th anniversary of Hiroshima and Nagasaki

SHOOT TO KILL

An innocent man is shot dead against a backdrop of terror

A WARNING TO NAKED BACKYARD SUNBATHERS

Hey, it must be good, the title has the word "naked" in it

DEAR FOOLS

This letter to rioters was linked from other blogs

DOUBLE OR NOTHING

I was coming to grips with the aims of the MakePovertyHistory campaign

LE CONCOURS DES CHANSONS MERDES

How to explain the Eurovision Song Contest to Americans

STICK THAT IN YOUR SMOKING GUN

George Galloway takes no prisoners in Washington DC

PRIORITIES

It seemed the tsunami was all but forgotten after a matter of weeks

THEY MUST MEAN THE ROYAL "EVERYBODY"

My review of one of the worst American shit-coms ever

SIX BRAVE WOMEN

THE FOLLOW-UP

THE FIRST VICTORY

My views on the incredible bravery of the McCartney sisters in the midst of the so-called "peace process" in Northern Ireland

BULLETS AND BOOZE

Gun violence and drink driving draw deadly comparisons

RECEIPT DECEIT

Racism in Ireland is growing

KILLING THE KILLERS BUT ONLY THE GROWNUP ONES

My first post that sparked off a series of differing comments, all about the death penalty

WINNING, LOSING, AND DRAWING OF LOTS

My favourite sports rant about the one way NOBODY wants to lose

RUBBER BANDS ACROSS AMERICA

My first real rant on my main blog

THE GEAR

2005-09-04T09:14:00.003+01:00

An Irish story in 10 parts by JL Pagano

character profiles

EPISODE ONE : "YER ONE WITH THE RUNNERS"

EPISODE TWO : "YER MAN WITH THE RONNIE"

EPISODE THREE : "YER ONES WITH THE CLIPBOARDS"

EPISODE FOUR : "YER MAN WITH THE BEAMER"

EPISODE FIVE : "YER ONE WITH THE JERSEY"

part one

part two

part three

part four

JUST AS WELL IT'S ONLY A GAME!

2005-09-03T08:25:00.002+01:00

A series of prolonged sports posts

#1 : WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE G.A.A.

#2 : THE VICIOUS CYCLE

#3 : F.A.I. : "FORMING AMBITIOUS INITIATIVES" OR "FOOLS AND INCOMPETENTS"?

#4 : ...TRY AD TRY AGAIN

#5 : WHY I'M NOT STUMPED BY CRICKET

#6 : GAME SEVEN - IT'S WHY WE WATCH SPORTS!!!

#7 : FOOTBALL'S ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

end of part one

2005-06-07T15:32:00.000+01:00

I think this blog has run its course, and I will be shutting it down in a few days. Thank you for all of your comments and your interest over the months.

When I started this process, I had no idea where it was headed. I still don't.

The most frustrating part of it is the fact that I could not possibly have done a better job expressing how I feel in my emails, yet she does not appear to have understood one word of it, at least by her replies.

The most rewarding part of it is that I know the next time I see her I won't be afraid to confront her verbally.

I will be sure to give updates on my main blog if and when there are any.

Thank you all again for your continued support.

silence will be more than golden

2005-06-01T17:57:00.000+01:00

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,

Oh I'll go all right - just please don't make me talk to them!

On another subject, I am desolate because there is a DVD stuck in my optical drive and won't come out.....BUMMER!!!

I've tried everything and no luck, so I guess I'll have to bring/send it in for service. Good thing I bought the 3-year AppleCare program.....

[EDITORIAL - That's good news for now, but knowing her, we'll see what she says this time next year when reservations have to be made...]

duel of the fates

2005-05-31T08:42:00.000+01:00

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

Hi,

Saw "Revenge of the Sith" over the weekend; it does everything it sets out to do, tying up loose ends, answering questions left up in the air, all that stuff. CJ is hooked by the Star Wars bug, and he watched ALL SIX on Sunday would you believe, back-to-back. And no, I did not use a Jedi mind trick on him...

I think I misunderstood your last email. It said "I thought you'd want a "straight" answer." I thought that meant that one was to follow.

Just to be clear, what is your current position re: the wedding? Is it "As yet undecided", or is it "If he's going I'm not"?

Jeff

thanks again

2005-05-21T14:27:00.000+01:00

Sandra @ home > Maura @ work

Hi Maura

We are going to see that movie at the weekend Jeff is very excited about it.

The poncho is perfect good for cold evenings, I hope you are well and your two four legged babies.

Regards

Sandra

[POINT OF INFORMATION : Maura lives with her two ageing cats, Gracie and Maggie.]

to my future daughter-in-law...

2005-05-21T01:21:00.000+01:00

Maura @ work > Sandra @ home

Hi Sandra,

How nice to hear from you! I hope you can wear what I sent - I'm not even sure what to call it - a poncho-sorta? Anyway, it seemed, somehow, "you", if you get my meaning.

Any plans to see the new Star Wars movie? I'll wait (as usual) until it comes out on DVD.....the trailers look interesting, though.

Love to all
xxx

Maura

answers on a postcard...

2005-05-18T21:07:00.000+01:00

Sandra @ home > Maura @ work

Hi Maura,

Thank you so much for the present, it arrived today! We both very much look forward to seeing you at Christmas and then of course in August 2006!

Sincerely,

Sandra

[POINT OF INFORMATION : A package arrived for Sandra today, and I can only assume it's a poncho, but this is pending confirmation. She chose to send this email without seeing the item to get a thank you off as soon as possible, plus it gave the chance to see how Maura may reply to her re:next August. Whatever the thing is, it's got thick pink and black stripes and unless my fiancee wants to dress up as a gay bumblebee I doubt she will ever wear it.]

straight answer à la maura

2005-05-05T00:20:00.000+01:00

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Hi Jeff,

Sorry I've taken so long to answer this, but I didn't know the answer and still don't, really.

However, I think you should do what you want to do since it is YOUR wedding. If i don't want to see them, I can manage that. If you want them there and they want to come, that says it all.

I thought you'd want a "straight" answer.

Maura

since you mention the guest list...

2005-04-27T10:01:00.000+01:00

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

Hi Maura,

I would think that I have already told them both via email they are more than welcome.

The question is, what would YOU think of Mark and Vicki coming to my wedding in August 2006?

[POINT OF INFORMATION : Mark is my biological father, Vicki is his wife. Maura and Mark have not laid eyes on each other since I was a few weeks old.]

nothing between the lines

2005-04-26T20:22:00.000+01:00

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Hi Jeff,

No hidden meaning, that I know of. If it's there, it is hidden from me as well.

Hope you can use them.....

What would you think of Brenda and/or Michelle coming to your wedding in August of 2006????

[POINT OF INFORMATION : Michelle is Brenda's daughter, my cousin]

thinking outside the boxers

2005-04-26T10:46:00.000+01:00

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work, home

The boxer shorts arrived today. Er, thank you. I'm trying to find a hidden meaning in your gift, as of now it escapes me.

Mom was also happy with her eyeglasses case.

Thank you once again.

[POINT OF INFORMATION : The shorts Maura sent are just a standard, plain, three-pack of soft woven boxers. The only thing I can think of is that they are size extra large and I was sporting a bit of a spare tire when my mother last saw me, but if that's the case, she's hardly one to talk! It's truly baffling.]

that's it? ok, er, thank you!!!

2005-04-25T09:02:00.000+01:00

Maura @ home > Jeff @ home [via snail mail ... this was on the front of the card, on the inside was written the word "NOT!!!" plus a smaller card which contained the words below]

April 2005

Congratulations on your engagement. I think it is a most excellent thing.

xx

Maura

rising above it

2005-04-23T21:16:00.000+01:00

Jeff @ home > Maura @ home

Glad you're intrigued. I'll give you my verdict when the mystery item arrives.

a rare event

2005-04-23T20:24:00.000+01:00

Maura @ home > Jeff @ home

Today I opened my mail at home for the first time this year......my lovely powerbook is only used for dvd watching, probably because i use a computer so much at work, but also because i'm so rarely home and not asleep.

anyway, i thought you should know that all your buddies are listed on my ichat account - some of the names are incroyable, mais vrai, n'est-çe pas?

The cat lady one is particularly intriguing.

I plan on purchasing this dvd asap, fyi.

ciao for niao.,

xxxx

p.s. there is something in the mail to you which i hope you like. let me know.

POINT OF INFORMATION : Maura is replying to an email I sent on November 21, 2004 to both her home and work addresses when I had just seen the movie "The Incredibles" with the kids. As for the ichat account, I think she's referring to my Yahoo messenger account, which I accessed from her computer when Sandra, the kids and I were visiting last July. I have a feeling she is trying to insinuate that the female names on my friends list are somehow a secret from my fiancee, when in fact Sandra and I have actually gone out with the "cat" girl in question! I plan to ignore the comment until the next time Sandra, my mother and I are together when I will bring it up to (hopefully) take the wind out of my mother's sails.

almost speechless

2005-04-14T01:25:00.000+01:00

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Wow -- This really took me by surprise! I had no idea you were thinking in those directions.

Congratulations to you and also to Sandra.

I'm almost speechless!! and you know how often that happens....

Wow.

POINT OF INFORMATION : Last summer, Sandra came with myself AND my two kids from Ireland all the way to the west coast of the US to spend a week with my mother, plus a week with my biological father, who I was only meeting for the second time with all of his family. Would you not think committing to such a trip may give a clue that things were heading "in those directions"?

otherwise engaged

2005-04-13T19:57:00.000+01:00

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work, home

Hi,

The original intention was to tell you in person at Christmas, then it was January, then Marchish, then ... well, I guess you know the rest....

ANYWAY......

May as well tell you now. Sandra and I got engaged last September, and plan to be married in August 2006.

That's not a typo, by the way, I do mean NEXT year.

There are several reasons for the wait, like giving the divorce time to settle (should be final by the summer), time to save for a decent ceremony, plus time to deal with both working and living arrangements for everybody.

Just thought you may like to know! No need to buy a hat just yet there's plenty of time!

J

hbty

2005-03-21T20:40:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

smack!

xx

Maura

attached was a PowerPoint file, which when played showed a load of balloons and the message :

Happy birthday, Jeff.

From your mother.

Enjoy yourself and have one for me.

Love from Maura

She actually called to say hello personally, but I was out with my fiancee.

devil's advocate

2005-03-19T09:40:00.000Z

always good to hear the other side of the story from someone other than your adversary....this is the exact text of an online chat with one of my friends from cyberspace...I told her I would alter her name, and believe it or not she is the one that suggested Prudence. Having said that, she also suggested Penelope Pipsqueak....online chats always seem a bit jumbled, mostly because sometimes the posting overlaps, and the person you are chatting to may answer a question before you even ask it!

Prudence : firstly: your emails to your mother?
does she know you are publishing them?
what about HER right to privacy?

Jeff : true, but cant make an omlette without breakin eggs

Prudence : yes...but...I imagine the courts might take a dim view.

Jeff : hmm
hey it would be worth it

id LOVE to hear her explain to a judge why her son is living 6000 miles away
almost be worth doin time for

Prudence: thats beside the point.

Jeff: anyway its not gonna happen

Prudence: its the principle of the thing.

secondly...

Jeff : a lot of principles involved Prudence

Prudence: why dont you two ppl call a spade a spade..and stop messing about with words.

Jeff : not just that

Prudence : do you know what I mean jeff.

Jeff : ahhh if only it were that easy

Prudence : You could be the one who starts the ball rolling.

Jeff : she has no friends Prudence she has isolated herself

i could roll a ball if we could be in the se time zone

Prudence : whats that got to do with the price of butter?????
Im a mother..you are a father....
maura has NO maternal instincts..as far as I can see...
she treats you like a brother...

Jeff : lets say i respect your opinion but ive gotten much more positive feedback in what im doing

Prudence : thats my opinion..
Im not into flattering you..I will say what I think..
you publish the blog...you invite opinion
the positive isnt always the wisest.

Jeff : yes well the positive feedback is from ppl i dont even know

Prudence : indeed.
many of whom are in a similar situation

Jeff : i invite all opinions

Prudence : ok ok ok

Jeff : yours is duly noted

Prudence : well I see it this way..
she sees you more as a brother figure
than a son

Jeff : em

Prudence : she lives and has always lived in the states
you...are saddled with the burden of care of an elderly parent
she isnt
she wants to keep it that way.
you dont.

Jeff : then why does she say things like "all we hoped and thought and planned for you"

Prudence : thats a load of shit...
maybe ...just maybe

Jeff : why does she point to stuff all over this house a few days after burying her father and say "all this stuff is spoken for, dad said i could have it"

Prudence : why dont u just spell out..in simple terms..what exactly you want from her.
because..she did.
because thats what she thinks.
doh.

Jeff : why don't i? Prudence
why don't i indeed
Dear Maura, This is what I want from you.....
AH, yes

Prudence : jeff...Ive already said..I dont believe she looks on you as most mothers look at their sons.

Jeff : why didnt I think of that?
OH and i dont know that????

Prudence : well...look..if it was my kid
I would look past the words and wonder?
what does he need right now...what is he asking me for..
and I would close my email with
I LOVE YOU.

Jeff : yes YOU would
but she didnt

Prudence : and she wont.

Jeff : i know
BUT

Prudence : unless you ask her to.

Jeff : mrs freud

thats not what im after
for example
sandra once asked me

Prudence : would you like if she shared the burden of caring for your gran?

Jeff : what if something happened to me
what would she do with gran

Prudence : nursing home

Jeff : yes but should she be responsible for all that
maura does not answer her phone at home
she only responds to emails at work

Prudence : in a nutshell jeff....were u to pop ur clogs in the morning..

Jeff : my gran would be fucked

Prudence : the state would assume the burden of care.
Maura knows this.
it seems to me

Jeff : well

Prudence : that maura doesnt respect your decision to care for ur gran

Jeff : id be very very surprised if she has given it that much thought

Prudence : she seems to think you are avoiding the real world

Jeff : ah but i a bit and i freely admit that
im not mr prefect nicey nicey guy here, and never said i was
perfect*

Prudence : so then.....theres your answer
u have freely made your choice.
and so has your mum.

Jeff : ok Prudence well dont be offended if i havent exactly seen the light from your input

Prudence : Im not.
Id be surprised if you had.

Jeff : but i do honestly appreciate you showing concern

Prudence : Im not concerned you muppet.

Jeff : well

Prudence : Ive enough of my own concerns.

Jeff : ok ok concern a bad word

Prudence : stand down accepted.

Jeff : devoting so much chat time to the subject, hows that

Prudence : ok
well its fascinating.

the right track

2005-03-17T19:42:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,

I think you are on the right track, although my analogy is Far Side-based (the dog and the dog's owner having a "conversation", with appropriate balloons).

anyway, I will have more to say as soon as i get some time.

XX

Maura

p.s. Did Mom tell you that I called last Saturday?

Well, I did.

a shining example

2005-03-16T08:58:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work, home

Hi Maura,

I came to a decision last night. How I arrived at it is outlined below, but I will first tell you what it is.

I feel it is best for all concerned if you do NOT come over to Ireland before December.

When I began this process back on January 20, I thought between two fully grown adults with good writing skills and email at their disposal, an agreement could be reached or at least a date for meaningful discussions could be agreed on within two months.

I was wrong. Now, I actually think it would be more of a hindrance than a help for you to come over too soon.

Should you wish to learn how I arrived at this turnaround, read on.

The other night I came home around 830pm after what had been a reasonably stressful day. I have been letting a number of issues get to me recently, and they were particularly preying on my mind that evening.

When I arrived home, I found not only was Grandma going through my papers pertaining to my divorce, she had also cooked herself a meal using the stove, against everyone’s wishes.

Granted I was an hour later than I had said I’d be, and maybe she was hungry. Nonetheless I was annoyed that she used the stove despite the presence of a conspicuous sign to the contrary rather than simply call me, when she would have learned that part of the reason for my tardiness was the fact that I had stopped off at a takeaway on the way home.

My general angst led me to raise my voice, and I’m sure you can imagine how Mom reacted. I was quick to calm down, but I was still determined to get across my point that I needed to know what I had to do to convince her to at least call me before she took any unnecessary actions.

It was then I realized how I was coming across to her. No matter how articulate I was being, no matter how much I calmed my voice down, no matter what actual words I was using, all Grandma could hear was :

“Jeff is yelling at me
Jeff is yelling at me
Jeff is yelling at me”

This realisation reminded me of that part of the book/movie "The Shining" when the wife looks at the typewriter and realizes all her husband had written all that time was “all work and no play makes jack a dull boy” over and over and over again.

I then simply apologized to Mom, made her a stiff gin and tonic, and retired to my room.

I resigned myself to the fact that it was extremely pointless trying to come to an agreement with grandma on our day-to-day existence, and that it was up to me to allow for this and compose myself when something like this happens in the future, which of course it will.

I then decided to read back through your various responses to my emails of late, and study them a bit more closely. I was led to a greater understanding of their content, since up to then I had been under the impression that you were being deliberately obtuse to stall for time.

Now, when I read your correspondence, it seems to be clear where you are coming from. No matter what I have said, no matter how eloquently I have put forward my case, no matter what the specifics of our situation, all you appear to see when you read my emails is :

“Jeff is attacking me
Jeff is attacking me
Jeff is attacking me”

If this is the case, I am wasting my time.

I now have an idea how Wendy Torrance felt when she looked at the typewriter. If your first reaction to this analogy is that I am somehow comparing you to an axe murderer, then it pretty much proves my point.

Let’s put a pin in it for now, Maura, and leave it until Christmas.

I have not given up, I have not conceded anything.

I have just come to the conclusion that it best serves what I am overall trying to achieve to let this matter go for the time being.

I hope this serves us both well.

Yours sincerely,

Jeff

settlers must go

2005-03-14T16:49:00.000Z

[Still waiting for a reply from even the happy birthday!!! I did some surfing today and unearthed this letter from my mother to an Israeli website a few year's back]

By Maura Lee February 27, 2002

You say that the overwhelming majority of Israelis have supported peace in "poll after poll," but what does that mean? What have we all seen, in terms of peace, from Israel? Please do not mention Oslo, because Oslo attempted to give the word "peace" a new meaning. Thank God it failed.

Regarding the settlers, I beg to differ with you, but they must go. Despite what Israel seems to believe (with, I am ashamed to say, the collusion of my government), the territory, which, Israel occupied in 1967, is not disputed. This territory is under occupation -- think WWII and Europe, if that word means nothing to you -- and the Palestinian people who rightfully live there have the right to resist occupation (again, think WWII and France as a frame of reference.)

It is very true that most Israelis do want peace. I firmly believe this in my heart. Unfortunately, however, Israel is like the United States in that what the people want is not what the government gives. This fact is an abomination for 2 so-called democratic countries.

San Francisco, California, U.S.A.

putting a pin in it

2005-03-11T16:11:00.000Z

Jeff & Kids @ home > Maura @ work, home [via video email]

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Maura
Happy birthday to you

POINT OF INFORMATION
Maura turns 56 on Saturday, March 12, 2005.

blowing in the wind

2005-03-07T21:55:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ home, work

Hi Maura,

First, I will remind you again that I am also sending these emails to your home address, lest I be accused of interfering with your work schedule. You are thus free to delete this and read on your own time.

Second, I offer my sincere condolences to you on the passing of your friend Mr McGinty. I do remember speaking with him on several occasions myself.

Now, my response to your latest offering.

For me, whatever point you are trying to make here seems to get lost after this amazingly misguided statement: “you’re just so sure that you have all the answers!”.

Maura, if I thought I had ANY answers re : this (Good God! What do we call it? Argument? Brawl? Confrontation? Debate? Exchange? Allow me to skip to “S”) situation, I very much doubt we would be having one at all.

“…before I brave the lion’s den, I feel that I must at least have a clue as to what it is I am walking into”. It would appear from this sentence that you already have a clue! And if I’m a lion in this analogy, what exactly do you see youself as? Put this question to me, and my response would be an animal no further down the food chain than that very same lion.

According to your final paragraph, the answer to one question is the key, the crucial element, the final determining factor, the raison d'être ….for what, exactly?

So I answer this question, and you will then immediately book a flight to Ireland?

Or will you delve back through my other emails, take a week to compose one more letter with yet another “key” question which won’t arrive until April via snail-mail and delay the process even further?

The answer to your question, my friend, is either blowing in the wind, or dare I say it, is already contained in the volumes of text I have already sent you for the past several weeks. You do not hold a monopoly on despair in this situation, believe me.

In summation, my position has not changed one iota viz-a-vis that outlined in “Olive branch”, specifically re: my ackowledgement of the 3 points on which we agree.

You claimed in your letter of February 3 that we need a face-to-face talk. All of your actions (or non-actions) since then appear to be nothing but obstructionism.

This talk will either happen or it won’t. It’s up to you.

Sincerely,

Jeff

setting her stall

2005-03-07T10:20:00.000Z

Maura @ home > Jeff @ home [handwritten and sent via snail-mail]

February 27, 2005

Dear Jeff,

Here goes, attempt #3. Let’s hope it has more success than #1 & #2.

My first attempt was ready until I read your message of February 20th – you’re just so sure that you have all the answers! That option 3 existed did not seem to matter – it was clear to you that either interpretation #1 was true – in which case I was sarcastic, but you didn’t really believe that, did you?; or #2, the favorite, which you liked very much indeed. It (#2) gave you such satistfaction that you were driven to send this very mixed-signals message, wherein you seemed to say, “See! I told you so!” and at the same time, “But just because I am right doesn’t mean you should be offended.”

Well I was not offended, exactly. A description of the response this evoked would be closer to the despair which I’ve vowed to fight against, but which your attitudes and still obvious (albeit thinly veiled) hostility drive me toward with bruising regularity.

This situation cannot continue – I agree completely with this statement. However, before I brave the lion’s den, I feel that I must at least have a clue as to what it is I am walking into.

That there is something “going on” viz-a-vis my guilt – or your perception of my guilt – was indicated quite literally in your message of 2/14/05 “Olive branch”.

The paragraph begins, “The anger was levelled….” , but the comment I refer to is in the next sentence, “My despair at the situation with which I am faced was not totally caused by you…” and your next para. , “…and yours that you bear none…”

Of what, may I ask, do you speak? What did I do – or not do – that has caused you such grief? Were I to know that small but most definitely vital bit of information, I could perhaps be a more worthy dialogist.

The answer to that question, I feel, is the key. I am very anxious to hear what it is.

Sincerely,

Maura

see? i got friends!!!

2005-03-04T18:20:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home [This was forwarded to me, though I'm not 100% sure why. I did meet this guy Frank, he was a regular at the hole-in-the-wall bar The NiteCap where Maura worked most of the 90s. The original sender of the message appears to be a Bill Irby, who I seem to recall was the principal supplier to my mother of illicit substances during the same period.]

From: birby3@sbcglobal.net

Sent: Thursday, March 3, 2005 2:28 AM

To: Lee, Maura> Subject: Notice for Frank McGinty

Message: Frank's obituary in SF Chronicle

Please visit the Notice for Frank McGinty.

[Maura left the following message on his guest book :

March 3, 2005

Frank,
I hardly knew you but what I knew, I loved.

There is a hole in my life. Bless you, my favorite Irish.
Maura Lee (San Francisco, CA ) ]

my mom the suspect

2005-03-04T10:23:00.000Z

[Still no sign of the latest missive, so here's another story. It's fiction this time, but the facts about Maura are all true. This should help anyone who wonders what my reference to The Nation Of Palestine was all about. Though neither I nor my grandmother actually needs money from Maura, we both wonder what it is she does with her salary.]

Special Agent Bob Burlington hated two things in life more than anything; rush hour traffic, and breaking in rookies.

On this morning, he had a taste of both.

“Em, excuse me, sir?”

“What?”

“Eh, I was-er, told to report to your office?”

“Listen, whoever you are, I’ve had a really bad morning up to now, in which sitting in my car NOT moving on the freeway for half an hour was the highlight. Please, PLEASE, let me have this coffee and sit at my desk swearing to myself for half an hour, and I promise I will do whatever you want then.”

“Er, ok, sir”

“Thank you.”

Not only did this give him a chance to have the coffee and curse, it also allowed him to see who the hell this kid was. Shit, I was afraid of that, he thought as he looked through his in-tray sipping his Colombian Hazelnut. It’s a goddam rookie. Agent Bill Fantini? All I need today is a spotty wop firing questions at me. Verdict : have him scouring the internet all day, that oughta keep him out of harm’s way.

An hour later….

“So you check and see who’s visited all these flagged sites on a regular basis, and cross-reference it with our database, ok? Most of them will be known to us, but I want you to spend all day checking if there is anyone new looking at these sites and let me know about them. That clear to ya, kid?”

“Yes, sir!”

“Oh, and kid”

“Yes, sir?”

“Don’t come near me until tomorrow ok? Have a list of names ready for my desk in the morning!”

“Em, sir?”

“What?”

“Would, er- that be the same time I went in first, or, er- when you told me to come back in half an hour, sir……”

“Just peek through the window and look at my face in the morning and you will have your answer.”

Agent Fantini waited an hour after seeing Burlington’s face the next morning.

“Ah, it’s the new kid, what do you want?” was his response to the knock.

“Good morning sir, I, er, have a name here that doesn’t appear…”

“Come in, come in, for God’s sake, don’t just stand at the door, close it behind you, come on!”

“Ah, yes, sir, sorry, sir.”

“And cut the sir shit will you it’s Bob ok? Well, in here – if the chief’s around you gotta do the whole Special Agent Burlington thing, though to be honest I never who the fuck that is!!!”

“Ok, sir, I mean, Bob, sir…”

“Ok, ok, what you got?”

“Well, most of the terminals that were looking at the flagged sites you gave me were from people already on your files…..”

“And…?”

“Well, I thought this one here was interesting.”, and he handed Bob the printout.

“Maura Lee?”

“Yes, she’s a PA at a pharmaceutical firm in South San Francisco, with a home address near Union Square.”

“And she’s been hitting these sites on a regular basis?”

“The Palestinian ones, yes, sir-er-Bob…on a daily basis.”

“Ok, you know what you do now, pull her credit card details, I want to know where she shops, where she eats, and who she’s sleeping with!”

“I, er, started to do that already, sir…that is why I thought you may find this interesting. She doesn’t have a credit card, she pays for everything by cash. There are daily draws on her ATM, and every month she exhausts all of her paycheck down to zero.”

“Zero, eh?” Bob said, staring at the name, now leaning back in his chair. “looks like you’ve done good here, kid! Got any more leads?”

“Er, yes, we found out that every year she goes on vacation.”

“Don’t tell me, she goes to Jerusalem?”

“No, sir, Ireland.”

Eyebrows shot upwards. “Ireland, eh?”

“Yes, I have contacted Homeland Security to try and find out where she stays.”

“So here we have a….[checks the file]….56 year old woman, obsessed with the Palestine situation, who goes out of her way to hide what she does with her money, and every year, you say? [Bill nods] every year, she travels to Ireland. Sound suspect to you, Fantini?”

“I think so, Bob!”

“Ok, me too, not bad work for a rookie! Set up a new file on her, and add in everything you know about where she stays over there and who it’s with. The girls will help you put together the file.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Now get outta my office and let me finish this coffee!”

finally, signs of life

2005-02-28T23:21:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,

There is a letter in the mail to you.

Maura

kerb-ing her enthusiasm

2005-02-25T10:39:00.000Z

[As I patiently wait for my mother's latest contribution to this on-going saga, I feel the need to relate this story, which happened in December of 2000. The next time she asks me when I tried to talk to her before, maybe I will let her read it]

“It’s such a shame you and your mother don’t talk to each other”

“I know, but it’s an ongoing thing, I’m afraid. Besides – when she visits, it’s hard to get her outside the front door, and with my grandparents in the same house, we can’t get a moment to ourselves!”

Sandra looked deep into his eyes, and could see how much this meant to him, and could tell he needed a helping hand.

“Tell you what,” she said, “When she does come over, would you want her to meet me? I’ll understand if you don’t…”

“Of COURSE I want her to meet you! It’s just not that simple…”

“Well how about this. What if the two of you come into town to meet me, then I can go home after an hour or so, and you two will have a chance to talk!”

He was overwhelmed by her offer.

“That’s a brilliant idea, babe. I will put it to her, but there’s one thing you should know.”

“What’s that?”

“She has accepted offers to go out several times before, only to be struck down with a ‘mysterious illness’ on the day.”

“Ah, now, how many times has that REALLY happened? Once? Twice?”

“Sandra, I can safely say she has done that at least once every time we have been together for the past ten years. It’s way more than twice, believe me.”

“Well, put it to her anyway, see what she says. That’s all you can do, isn’t it?”

“Okay, okay, I will. Thanks again, that’s a good idea.”

On his way home from the airport two weeks later, he mentioned in passing to his mother that his new girlfriend would like to meet her during the course of her stay.

“Sure! That sounds great! When will she be coming over?”

“Well, I was thinking maybe you and I could meet her in town some evening?”

The pause was so slight he wondered if he had imagined it.

“Sounds good! Just tell me when okay?”

That was on the Monday. He proceeded to make arrangements for the following Monday night, so everybody had enough notice. They were all to meet in The Bridge pub on Westmoreland Street at 8pm, and he informed his mother they should leave the house around 7:15pm.

Life went on as normal in the meantime. He worked by day, had his kids on the agreed nights, and paid the odd visit to his grandparent’s home to spend time with them and his visiting mother. He even brought the kids over one evening.

He constantly reminded her about the Monday evening rendez-vous, so much so that she was growing increasingly impatient with her replies.

And so Monday evening arrived, and after stopping at home to change after work, he drove over around 6:30pm. She was up in her room, which he took as a bad sign.

“Has she been up today?” he enquired of his grandmother.

“I haven’t seen her,” was the reply.

He paced up and down the kitchen for about ten minutes, and sent Sandra a text message : “not lookin good shes been locked in her room all day”

A minute later came the response : “y don’t u just ask her if shes going or not”

Yes, of course, he thought, why don’t I?

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he felt like a six-year-old asking his Mommy if he could have a cookie, THAT’S why.

“Maura?”

This pause was not so slight.

“What?”

“Will you be ready to go at a quarter past?”

“Yes, yes, it’s not even seven yet is it?”

“Okay, okay, just asking!”

At precisely 7:15pm, he heard the thud thud coming down the stairs, accompanied by several impatient gasps of annoyance as she tried to adjust the mammoth cloth bag she elected to bring with her around her shoulders.

“Well, let’s go! Are you ready?”

“Sure! No problem!” he replied positively, deciding against making the sarcastic comment about the size of the bag.

With that they said their goodbye to the elderly couple, and set off on the fifteen-minute walk to the bus-stop.

The first few minutes were frought with silence as they both fumbled for a suitable topic for small talk. He decided on the funny story Sandra had told him that day about her co-worker in the hope that it could later become an ice-breaker.

He had strayed a couple of feet ahead of her as he related the story when he heard the brief scream and the dull thud behind him. When he turned, he saw his mother face-down on her bag on a grassy verge by the side of the road.

“Oh my God, are you ok?”

“Yes, I think so,”

“What happened?”

“I didn’t see the kerb! I think I’ve twisted my ankle.”

In his mind, court was now in session. The trial was long, protracted, comprehensive, even messy at times, even though in reality it only lasted a few seconds. The verdict : hung jury, just bring her home and proceed into town on your own to meet Sandra.

“Well there’s no way you can go anywhere now! Let’s just get you home, ok?”

He helped her to her feet, and then it crossed his mind that he could order a taxi, but he chose instead to see how she reacted to the situation.

“Okay, we can do this another night. You will go on instead won’t you?”

“Well I’ll have to; she will have gotten herself ready and left her flat by now!”

“Okay, well tell her I’m sorry, ok?”

He decided against suggesting he phone an ambulance, as she was actually able to make it home under her own steam, albeit with a limp.

“No need to walk with me, you go on ahead!”

“Ah no, sure it’s only around the corner! Besides, did you bring your key?”

“Good point!”

When they got through the front door, he started a text message for Sandra, then thought better of it.

“Let me take that, and you sit yourself down, ok?”

He took the bag from around her shoulders, and could not resist taking a peek to see what was inside.

It was her big thick Aran sweater.

Well it was a bit cold out, after all.

POINT OF INFORMATION

Maura was not to meet Sandra until her next visit to Ireland twelve months later. And yes, the meeting had to take place by virtue of my fiancee coming to the Lee house.

well worth the wait

2005-02-20T10:17:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ home, work

Hello Mater,

I’m torn between two interpretations of your latest emails; perhaps you can help me.

On Wednesday last, you said:

“I will respond to (your messages) later today or, at the very latest, by tomorrow”.

Then, nothing from you until Friday, when you simply said :

“I'll be in touch next week.”

Were you,

(a) being ironic viz-a-vis my recent assertion that the information you provide regarding your future actions is often (at best) unreliable, or

(b) blissfully unaware that you were proving my point?

I now realize how busy your day to day routine is, so there is no need to make promises you can’t keep. Though I am very curious as to what your “response” will be, I will be happy to wait for you to send it as soon as you are ready, whenever that may be.

I sincerely hope your long weekend was as productive as it was enjoyable and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,

Jeff

presidential pardon

2005-02-19T01:54:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Hi Jeff,

Monday is "President's Day", so no work. Yippee.

I'll be in touch next week.

Maura

maura the indispensable

2005-02-16T17:46:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Hi Jeff,

Yesterday was my mid-year review with my boss and I wanted to stay focused for it, so I did not read your messages until last night and then, only once and then again this morning.

I will respond to them later today or, at the very latest, by tomorrow.

Sorry for the delay, but reviews are very important here, and I wanted to give it my best effort. It went very well, by the way. Peter told me that he didn't know what he would do without me. AWWWWW!

Anyway, I'm busy cogitating - thinking about cat sitters, etc. etc. - and will send you a status report per para. #2 above.

Maura

olive branch

2005-02-14T23:03:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work, home

Hi Maura,

In the best interests of diplomacy, I must say that there are a few points that you raise in your first two handwritten offerings with which I agree whole heartedly. So how about we address these first, since we both agree. There is a lot here to work on, so I hope you are with me. I would like to suggest my own code, with A#1 referring to “Agreement #1”.

1. “The point is that this must be resolved and so despair is not an option.”

2. “here are my issues :

why I moved away from 100 Buchanan Road when you were 3.

why you went to Ireland w/ Mom & Dad.

why these were my only options

Will that do, for a start?”

3. “I see the issue therein to be perhaps a part of our problem : interpretation”

To each and every quote I say : “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!!!!!!”

The following passage is designed to help with the A#3 problem addressed above.

Permit me for a moment to take us both back to the beginning of this exchange, even before email “J#1”. Maybe this will show you where I have been coming from, maybe it won’t.

Allow me to compare DIRECT quotes from two emails of yours, one dated Monday, October 18, 2004 :

“I can, however, come in January, once the holiday peak season is over, although with the high cost of fuel, airline prices are higher than I've seen them in years.”

My interpretation of this was that you COULD come in January, but that you would be hindered by the airfare. With this in mind, we sent you a check for $1000, which you immediately sent back.

I tried to interpret THIS as best as I could, but was found wanting.

Now, take what you said in that email, and compare it to this, from January 20, 2005.

“I never said for sure I would come in January, but that I would try to do so.”

From “I can, however, come in January” we are now at “I never said for sure I would come in January”. I am sure YOU knew what you meant, but this is ALL THE INFORMATION I HAD TO GO ON FROM OCTOBER TO LATE JANUARY.

This shortage of information, together with the fact that I was really hoping you would come over soon so we could sit down and have a serious discussion about the future of this family, led to frustration on my part. This frustration turned to anger, and the anger led to a barrage of emails, when a whole lot of other stuff came out that had been building up the last 35+ years.

The anger was levelled at you in its entirety, and for this I DEFINITELY DO APOLOGIZE. My despair at the situation with which I am faced was not totally caused by you and I freely admit that.

What I want to reach is a level between my incorrect assertion that you bear all responsibility, and yours that you bear none. When we acheive this, I feel we will be well on the way to a resolution. I also strongly believe that if we had not had this exchange we would quite possibly fail forever to even hope to get near such a stage.

This is where I am coming from, and I sincerely hope you interpret my intentions correctly.

I could easily type thousands of words in reply to your various other points, after which no doubt you would send back another thousand+ words, and so it would go on. If you have already written further instalments, feel free to send them, or not, should you so wish. I, for one, want to take the 3 Points of Agreement above and use them to bring this discussion somewhere constructive.

So by all means, let’s put aside the sarcasm, put aside the nit-picking, put aside the general-to-the-particular. It is getting us nowhere.

Let’s focus on when you can come over and visit so we can resolve things face to face, shall we? This would satisfy both A#1 and A#2.

The only thing I really, REALLY need is advance notice of at VERY VERY LEAST two weeks. Would this not come under the heading of common courtesy? Also, since money is a factor, it would behoove you to come before the end of June, since we may very well have alternate living arrangements by then, and you may have to stay in a hotel or b&b after that date (one of the things I was hoping to discuss with you at Xmas/January/March-ish). Now that it is well into February, please forgive me for expressing a desire to know of your plans sooner rather than later.

I genuinely hope you can overcome your various obstacles with A#1 fully in mind and be able to arrange something soon.

Yours sincerely,

Jeff

PS

“shooting fish in a barrel” = follow this link

http://home.t-online.de/home/toni.goeller/idiom_wm/id537.htm

word for word

2005-02-14T13:53:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work, home

Hi Maura, your second handwritten letter arrived this morning, and once again in an effort to show that it was been thoroughly digested, here is a complete transcription. I am formulating a reply in my head as I type and will compose this evening.

[there follows a transcript of the "maura's code" letter listed below]

maura's code

2005-02-14T10:00:00.000Z

Maura @ home > Jeff @ home [handwritten sent by snail mail]

Dear Jeff,

I hope you will excuse the pencil. Think of it as my manual delete key.

This is part 2 of my “story”? “rebuttal”? “apologia”? No – most definitely not that. Although there may be many things in my past for which I feel regret (you are very wrong to think me unaware of any misunderstanding of mistakes I have made), my knowledge & awareness does not automatically assume I must apologize – particularly after having seen the synonyms offered by my friend Webster – excuse? pretext? alibi?

Eventually I hope to address many issues from your recent barrage of messages, but as I sense your impatience, I shall begin at the end and, if I find a receptive audience, I will continue. Please note well that I say a receptive audience – this does not mean one who agrees or even believes, but rather one able or inclined to receive what it is I have to say, sans sarcasm, sans hostility.

Should you wish at any time to stop my efforts, that will make it very easy for you. Silence will be interpreted as a non-hostile act, within reason.

To facilitate my long term plan with regard to addressing specific issues, I have assigned each of your core messages an alpha-numeric code. These are the 4 messages that contain all the issues & responses and etceteras that comprise this event (for want of a better word). The key to this code is enclosed and may be revised if it is too narrow. I’m trying to keep it as simple as possible without adding confusion to all the other negatives already extant in this matter. If the message is referred to simply as “#J4” or “#J1”, you can assume I mean the last post of this message – i.e. the way a message with extensive threads prints out, in descending fashion. The code “J1 Thurs Jan 20 8:42am” would refer to your original message of the subject “Latest Update”.

If you are thinking that this is more complicated than it needs to be, then you may be right but then again you may be wrong.

So! That said, I shall proceed to message J4, and work my way through it as far as I have energy, then make a copy and mail the original & continue later from where I off left.

“1. Please do not read too much into the fact that I put this first.”

How much is too much? You read Freud (although I’m inclined to agree that those of us who read him in English got a bum steer thanks to his translators) so I assume you take it all into account. Even what you called “Hitting The Wrong Button” (as obvious/non-obvious a play on words as Freud could ever hope for) sounds an awful like Fehlleistung[1] (or, in English, what was translated as a parapaxis, for some dumb reason). Much – most! – of your correspondence lately is of a very patronizing tone – one that insinuates a righteousness that is just a little on the pompous side. I sincerely hope that this does not mean your mind is closed.

“I sincerely hope you do not think for a second that ‘we need to talk’ is in any way your idea or suggestion.”

The fact that it WAS MY “idea” or suggestion to which you referred (contained in my letter dated January 29, 2005) suggests that you had omitted the adverb “first” in the sentence, and were remarking on what you saw as a fact – that you had “…been trying for years, extremely unsucessfully, to bring about such a discussion.” In other words, what I was suggesting (as you saw, perhaps, offered as a New and Untried Experience?) was, to you, something well worn and unsuccessful.

The problem I was w/ this is that I cannot recall one instance when you said anything to me that led me to believe you wanted a serious discussion to take place. I’m sorry but I’ve searched my memory and come up w/ zip, zero – not one remembrance.

Perhaps you will send me something to aid in retrieving this memory? A keyword? A cookie dipped in lemon tea?

I give this point such lengthy discussion as I see the issue therein to be perhaps a part of our problem : interpretation. I say A; you hear B. You say C. I hear D. That makes for NONSENSE, and if it is at work, would go very far in explaining why you and I are having such difficulties.

The only other explanations I came up w/ are:
I don’t remember because I’m in denial;
I don’t remember because it never happened;
I do remember but I’m lying.

You probably lean toward 1, with 3 as a close runner-up. I, however, KNOW that 3 is not true and that 1 is also very unlikely, based upon what I know in my heart. 2 I also disbelieve but that only leaves us with my original assertion – that we sometimes don’t speak the same language.

The possibility is particularly likely for a family that is uncomfortable as the Lees about voicing our feelings.

I cannot imagine why I would deliberately derail an effort on your part to discuss serious issues – particularly as I have long known that we have much to talk about someday. I had not actually given up, but I HAD come to the conclusion that:
you had made up your mind about your past as it relates to me
you did not welcome input from me
there was nothing I could do to change your mind about mee, and to make an attempt would risk alienation

This impression was based on many things, but mostly
your lack of interest in anything I have to say on any issue that doesn’t interest you;
your insistence that I be called by my Christian name rather than one which assumes a familial connection;
the strong impression that I am given from the very first that, which Rebecca and Christopher may, technically & biologically, be my grandchildren, I was never to assume that this gave me any rights in any way, shape or form to anything at all to do w/ them.

There has always been the unspken GIVEN – as a mother I was nothing, having voluntarily relinquished any vestige of maternal pwer/authority/strength/whatever. This stigma would, of course, pass along through all generations where I would be APART from the family. No perhaps a genuine pariah, but definitely not one of the CORE family.

Mom & Dad bought into this to a point, but both come to eventually ignore it as they got older.

You, however, seemed in most recent years to grow impatient with me – as if I wasn’t being scorned enough. I don’t know how much of this is real, how much is mis-interpretation, how much is just fantast, but I DO know ONE thing, and that is, it is how I feel, and is what I’ve lived with and based on my visits on trying to co-exist with as few traumas as possible and perhaps even (if at all possible) to have a pleasant xmas with my family.

All in all, I have to say that I was successful in my xmas visits and the traumas when they occurred were not ones that damaged beyond repair.

Of course, it was not to you that I looked as a combatant, which may have been a mistake.

Moving on to the next item, which appears to be the meaty one.

“2. I would be interested to know what exactly it is you expect us to be talking about?”

here are my issues :
why I moved away from 100 Buchanan Road when you were 3.
why you went to Ireland w/ Mom & Dad.
why these were my only options

Will that do, for a start?
Please elaborate on your VISION – what part of this is the goal, if it is a goal you are seeking?

Please do not think I am being anything but quizzical – you’ve confused me greatly by this idea and I need more input if I am to assist in any way.

I need to know what it is, exactly, you wish to have attained by July 10, 2009, other than your 40th year.

Please enlighten.

“3. I am not thoroughly convinced that a face-to-face meeting will fully resolve this matter…”

Of course it won’t RESOLVE anything, but is resolution the only acceptable end? I should think that anything that aids in understanding between us would be welcome.

I do not understand your point in the next sentence – why is my statement on my hesitation in revealing my deepest feelings, seem to you a problem? I’m particularly confused by your “girlfriend” quote –what does this mean? Please remember that I don’t watch television, so if this phrase evokes a certain frame of mind because of a well-known tv incident, it’s Greek to me. Sorry, but there it is.

From the context I would take your meaning to be that no one in the world “spills their guts” with anything but trepidation (except maybe Alex Zimmer and, while that is probably true enough, I do not understand it makes the problem. Do you think a face-off is unwise? Should correspondence be used to this end? The paragraph, it seems to me, could lean either way.

“4. … I think if you are really committed to making this meeting a reality, I say book both your vacation time and your flights NOW regardless of price.”

I can see your interpretation of my not doing this as meaning that (obviously) I lacked a real commitment. However, this is fallacious as there are other interpretations available that are just as valid. The world rarely exists in such Manichean[2] terms, particularly the world of responsibilities.

I have cats that are getting old and need special care and cannot be left alone for long periods.

I have a job that at times requires my undivided attention.

I have a limited number of vacation days available to me.

I have funds that are limited sriously by my ongoing effort to build up my 401 (k) plan to try and make up for all the years I put nothing aside for retirement.

So you see, I cannot just say “to hell with everything” and book a trip to Ireland, even if that was my dearest wish, which it is not.

I will come to talk if it is agreed that this could be a good thing. “March-ish” is not a stall technique – for God’s sake, what benefit would I get from stalling? You sound like I only go to ireland when dragged by my hair and we both know that this just ain’t so. 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 – 6 consecutive years I went to ireland for Xmas and only the first trip was subsidized. The rest were the result of my wish to spend Xmas w/ my family. If you believe that I was GLAD not to be in Ireland this past Xmas, then you are most definitely wrong. I missed being there very much & spent the day w/ a very hollow, odd feeling, akin to homesickness.

I’m all wrote out. To be continued, very soon.

xx Maura

KEY TO MESSAGES

J #1……..Sent : Saturday, January 22, 2005 4:11AM PST Subject Re : Latest Update?

J # 2……..Sent : Monday January 24, 2005 2:24AM Subject : shooting fish in a barrel[3] (?)

J # 3………Sent : Tuesday January 25, 2005 4:17PM PST Subject : Re : Last one I promise … I suggest you read carefully

J # 4 …….. Sent : Thursday, February 3, 2005 8:15AM PST Subject : re : San Francisco

[1] http://www.forward.com/issues/2003/03.12.26/arts5.philologos.html
[2] A dualistic philosophy dividing the world between good and evil principles or regarding matter as intrinsically evil and mind as intrinsically good.

[3] http://home.t-online.de/home/toni.goeller/idiom_wm/id537.htm

mother of all emails

2005-02-11T15:42:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura [I chickened out of sending this one even after composing it; my excuse was that I wanted to wait until the arrival of her imminent second hand-written offering in case anything might negate the content of this email. I will post it here for posterity]

Dear Maura,

I hope you appreciate that I have gone to great lengths to ensure that this email does not contain any reference to a specific “bizarre incident from the past”.

[If you had a son and he’d been taking care of your mother then you would have asked him how he was doing etcetera, etcetera.

Please forgive the inexact quotation, but I’m sure you know to what I refer.

And my question is this:

But would you?

Would you really?

The centre would have shifted, if you were me, and you would no longer be the son requiring the encouragement and thoughtful queries, but the parent, feeling – what?

That is what you must answer, and answer truthfully, if any gain is to be had from this exercise.]

My answer : If my son were caring for my mother and I was doing nothing to help, I would probably continue to do nothing until someone brought the neglect to my attention. I would then no doubt “shift the center” of the discussion from that of the care of the person in question to that of my own feelings. That is as honest an answer as I can give to your hypothetical question.

Now that I have responded to the “question that I must answer” in all good faith, I am hoping you will return the favour, once again to see if “any gain is to be had from this exercise”.This is a question that does not place you in a hypothetical dilemma, however; instead it is one for which you must draw on your own personal experience. Though you will no doubt prove me wrong, I cannot for the life of me see how your answer could amount to anything but “Yes” or “No”.

In all your 55 years on this planet, have you EVER even ONCE felt the need to challenge your parents on any issue you believed to be important?

If your answer is no, and this is a truthful answer, then I must humbly bow to your superior restraint, whilst retaining a modicum of scepticism toward your reply.If your answer is yes, then I put to you this;Did you ever feel frustrated when, after your challenge, all your parents had to say in reply was something akin to “Don’t you dare talk to us like that”? Would your frustration not turn to anger because the seemingly valid points you were making were being lost in a brand new debate over how poorly you were treating your elders??? Didn’t you EVER have a fight with Mom and/or Dad like this in ALL these years? Didn’t your tone ever become abusive? And before this gets construed as yet another personal attack, allow me to expand. Do you believe it is wrong for people to challenge their parents? Should they remain silent forever purely out of respect for their elders’ feelings and disregard the damage they fear their silence may do to their family? Please explain how what I am doing with these emails is in any way different to family conflicts, arguments, discussions or feuds that have taken place for generations all over the world.

Yes, Maura, your own son, all of twenty years younger, is challenging you.

Get over it.

Rise to the challenge.

He claims you exist in your own fictitious world where you deny responsibility for anything.

He claims you have no life outside your job, your books and your cats.

He claims you have absolutely no constructive ideas as to what you will do with your life once you are no longer able to work.

He claims this process is as emotionally draining for him as it is for you.

He claims you have a nerve to equate your life with that of “Hard Working Americans”, when there are millions who have the EXACT same commute, earn the EXACT same salary, work the EXACT same number of hours and have the EXACT same amount of free time, yet STILL somehow manage to at VERY LEAST make themselves available to their immediate families.

He claims you have a nerve to make a statement like “everything we did and thought and planned was hinged w/ you” when in reality you signed over responsibility for his upbringing AND freely admitted yourself (and I quote), “How might I offer "practical" help from a distance of 6000+ miles?”.

He claims you are quite possibly the most self-obsessed person on the planet.

He claims you refuse to see your life for the lonely one that it is.

He claims you refuse to accept there are people out there that care about you and are willing to help.

He claims he is actually trying to help you, and that he may be the first to genuinely do so.

FEEL FREE TO PROVE HIM WRONG POINT BY POINT!!!!

HE CLAIMS YOU CAN’T!!!!

That’s it, I’m spent. I’ve done all I can do, typed all I can type, phrased it in every way I can phrase it. If you want to come over here and discuss it further face to face, feel free. In the meantime, I will just get on with things as best as I can, and tick one more New Year’s Resolution off of my list, for it only required me to try, not to succeed.

Love, Jeff

proof (of) reading

2005-02-09T10:47:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work, home

Maura,

Your first letter arrived yesterday morning. In an attempt to prove that I have taken in every single word, I have transcribed it below, completely devoid of editing or comment, precisely as I see it on the pages before me.

Despite your claim that you already know what it will say, I intend to both compose and send my rebuttal upon receipt of the next instalment.

Jeff

[the remainder of this email comprises an exact copy of the "shifting the center" post below]

shifting the center

2005-02-08T09:47:00.000Z

Maura @ home > Jeff @ home [handwritten, sent via snail mail]

February 3, 2005

Dear Jeff,

You asked for it – I hope you don’t regret it.

Firstly, I must set the record straight about why I did not spend Xmas in Ireland, as you see to think that this was my choice, and it most decidedly was not.

Upon my return to work in early September, I asked my boss to tell me if he was planning on going away at Xmas, as I would like to start making me own plans. Peter informed me then that Joanne – the woman who substitutes for me when I am away – had already requested 3 weeks of vacation in December – from the 13th to January 3rd. As the both of us could not be away at the same time, this meant that I could not take this time off, but had to make other plans.

The other factor in this equation is that, for the past year, I’ve been working for a large company (Applera Corp) which has lots of employees all over the world, and very little of the warm & fuzzy. Where once my employers would close for 2 weeks and pay us all, now we are allowed 2 [3?] paid holidays during the season, all other time is lodged against our accruals, and the doors stay open w/ business as usual for every other non-holiday day.

Welcome to Hard Working America!

So it was not my choice to spend Xmas here – not by any stretch. I was actually quite disappointed and developed an attitude toward Joanne for having the nerve to preclude my yearly trip.

I have been spending Xmas in Ireland every year since 1998. except for the first trip – which was wholly subsidized by Mom, God love her – I have neither asked for nor received any incentive for my trip other than the desire to spend Xmas w/ my family. This desire has been strong enough to ensure my arrival in 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 & 2003. Why is it, then, that you say I’m looking for excuses not to go? This accusation astonishes me.

Despite the apathy you seem to believe I hold, I find the recent barrage of emails to be extremely and exhaustively draining. My weeks are not my own – I leave my house at 8am and I return home at 8pm, ready for dinner & bed. My commute is hideous but I truly like my job and after 6 yrs I have no thought of moving on. As a consequence I must defer most non-work events to the weekend and that is only 2 days long (with lots of chores screaming to be done).

Last weekend I wrote a letter (which I may mail, some day) and composing it took up the entire time.

You’ve frightened me, though. I would never have believed you to be so, so, so – so – what is the word? Vicious? No – that’s not it. Resentful, full of indignation and anger – lots of anger.

So I’m defensive, and yet I won’t retreat because that would mean surrender and that is not something that I am prepared to do.

For years I have not criticized, not challenged OR questioned, and yet what exactly has this produced? Rather than giving me the reputation as easy going and not prone to find fault, my restraint seems to have translated itself into some sort of apathetic, uncaring & unfeeling non-person.

I suppose one might say this serves me right for not being Open and Honest, but I beg to differ, because I know exactly what sort of a reaction I would have received had I gone the Open/Honest route – exactly what I’m getting now.

So maybe I’ve been wrong because I’ve only postponed it, but that point is moot.

I cannot allow you to continue believing that I will never react in any way regardless how I’m treated – it just ain’t so! I won’t go overboard but I will complain and complain loudly if anyone treats me in such a way as to show a complete lack of common courtesy – this is a given. I’m glad to say that none of my colleagues or friends or people I’m thrown together w/ in my daily life ever treat me so poorly, so it is a shock to me.

It has been my fault that this has not been made clear before now. I realize that this must seem like a mixed signal after all these years but I figure if I continue to accept treatment that is unacceptable, then eventually it will become all that I deserve. I do hope very much that you agree.

You really must try to look at things from another person’s point of view – you haven’t done this, at least not with me.

You expect other people to react to things the same way that you do and when they don’t, you say they are wrong. This is almost always a very wrong-headed way to view the world.

I mis-spoke when I called you spoiled – you were never spoiled, but you also were never completely disabused of the notion that you were the center of the universe.

This is partly true because it was true – you were the center of our universe, and everything we did and thought and planned was hinged w/ you.

But as a preparation for Life in the Real World, then I fear that this misconception and its furtherance, fueling, and re-enforcing through the years, has perhaps given you a world view that is not precisely realistic.

If you had a son and he’d been taking care of your mother then you would have asked him how he was doing etcetera, etcetera.

Please forgive the inexact quotation, but I’m sure you know to what I refer.

And my question is this:

But would you?

Would you really?

The centre would have shifted, if you were me, and you would no longer be the son requiring the encouragement and thoughtful queries, but the parent, feeling – what?

That is what you must answer, and answer truthfully, if any gain is to be had from this exercise.

Just because a person reacts differently than the way you think you would act does not make them wrong – please think about this – please!

Remember the shifting centre and all the things that you don’t know about that are going on in that other person’s life.

As I write these words, I realize their futility – you will not accept this as a possibility and may even throw it back at me w/some bizarre incident from the past where I’ve said or done something that would seem to contradict what I’ve just said and – AHA! See?!!? Proof!

So what’s the point? I despair of ever making you see how wrong-headed you’re being about so much, and can almost hear your rebuttal.

The point is that this must be resolved and so despair is not an option.

I’m going to put this in the mail toady and keep a copy, then continue tomorrow.

Perhaps by March, I shall be done.

xx

Love,

Maura

instalment plan

2005-02-07T19:15:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Hi Jeff,

FYI, this morning I posted installment #2 which deals mainly with questions and issues raised in your message of February 3rd (I'm working in descending order).

More to come.

just an expression

2005-02-07T09:49:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ home

[* you have never played professional soccer, yet I seem to recall having heard you make a suggestion (or two or a thousand) as to how a certain play should have been made. The same is true of you and politics - you've never served in a government job nor have you in any way been anything but a spectator in, yet you certainly have opinions galore on the subject. Opinions are good - I'm told it is what makes us "free". What did I offer, but an opinion?]

I completely missed this passage of yours the first time round, and I just cannot resist exercising my right to offer my own opinion in reply. It's the Lee in me, you see!

To properly apply your analogy to the Pengate incident, it would have been akin to not only my voicing my opinion on how a certain play should be made, but actually going to the coach/politician him/herself with it, and then running crying to my room if s/he didn't run with my interpretation without question.

Of course everyone has opinions, but there are occasions when we must bow to someone's superior experience. If you choose to recall, I took your suggestion on board, reasoned it in my head, and saw the situation for what I thought it was. You then threw a tantrum because I did not take action based solely on your advice. I then reacted to the tantrum, not the opinion.

I will only send this to your home address, for it is but a small point, and it would not be that important to the Grand Scheme Of Things if you were not to read it.

I still look forward very much to your handwritten offerings.

Jeff

snail mail it is then!

2005-02-04T01:07:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,

Today I put a hand-written letter to you in the mail. It is only the start. I have kept a copy and will continue it tomorrow.

Maura

eggs and omelettes

2005-02-03T16:15:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work, home

Hi Maura,

I would not describe your letter as a disappointment; the term "anti-climax" would be better suited, considering the time it took for you to send it. Of course I would be willing to talk, but I would like to outline a few concerns I have about such a discussion before it can take place.

1. Please do not read too much into the fact I put this first. It is merely a point of information, and one which I want to get out of the way. I sincerely hope you do not think for a second that "We need to talk" is in any way your idea or suggestion. I have been trying for years, extremely unsuccessfully, to bring about such a discussion. "Who thought of it" is a point which may be moot, but one I feel also needs to be made.

2. I would be interested to know what exactly it is you expect us to be talking about? Allow me to spell out what I want to discuss. I have, for the want of a better word (and believe me I've tried to find one because I realize how corny this sounds), a vision, which comprises me, Sandra, Rebecca, Christopher, Mom and possibly you should you so wish, all seated around a dinnertable on July 10, 2009, in a house owned by Sandra and myself, to celebrate Mom's 100th birthday. I would very much like to have a picture taken on such an occasion. My plan is to attempt to utilize the resources at my disposal to bring this about. What I wish to discuss with you is what part you would like to play in helping me bring this dream to fruition. I do NOT intend to bemoan the past, I do NOT intend to argue or criticize anyone, and I certainly do NOT wish to hurt anyone's feelings. That being said, one cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs, and my prime directive is to prepare an omelette that all of (what is left of) the Lee family can enjoy. I hope this outlines where I will be coming from on the day of our summit meeting.

3. I am not thoroughly convinced that a face-to-face meeting will fully resolve this matter, though I do agree it is necessary. One of the problems here is highlighted by your sentence "It's so hard for me to talk about my feelings". To that I say "Welcome to the human race, girlfriend!!!" Do you REALLY think it has been easy for me to send these emails? Or indeed that it would be easy for anyone? Also, I think you and I are much better writers than talkers. It would only serve to help our discourse if you were to at least snail-mail your letter from last weekend. You obviously put a lot of time and thought into it, so to coin your own phrase, pull a Nike and Just Do It!!!

4. Also on the Nike theme, I think if you are really committed to making this meeting a reality, I say book both your vacation time and your flights NOW regardless of price. As you know, we are both willing and able to help you out should you need it. Part of me (albeit a small one) thinks the "March-ish" thing could be a stall tactic, and taking immediate action would be the perfect way to prove me wrong.

It took you 500 words to say "we need to talk". It has taken me over 600 to say "OK just say when". What does that say about us???? ;-)

Jeff

really? ya think?

2005-02-03T02:00:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Dear Jeff,

This is very strange – to type a personal letter that I have hand-written.

Having read and re-read your various messages and having given a lot of thought to their content and my feelings as they co-relate, it seems very obvious to me that you and I need to have a talk.

No fooling! He cried, but what I mean is a face-to-face talk – not an email discussion, not a series of letters, not a telephone conversation (and most definitely not a chat!).

This talk is one that I’ve known we would have to have at some point, but the time never seemed right and I was, quite frankly, starting to wonder if we’d ever reach a point where we might feel comfortable having it. Your recent messages have shown me that we cannot wait for the Right Time, but rather, we have to pull a Nike and Just Do It.

I hope that when we do have this talk that we can meet not as combatants but as grown-ups with legitimate gripes and tender feelings, and that we can dispense with the sarcasm and not attempt a dual of wits. Neither you nor I nor anyone in our family would benefit from our playing a zero-sum game.

By now you are probably disappointed in this letter, having expected much more from it, and for that I am sorry. I could maybe put my feelings into words and mail them to you, but it would take a lot of time and editing and I just don’t think that this is the way to do it. We need to talk – face to face. Do you not agree?

I would still like to come over to Ireland before Xmas of 2005 – I was planning on the Spring when the fares come down – March-ish. You and I will go someplace where we won’t be disturbed and duke it out.

Ha ha.

This letter is not the whole of what I wrote last weekend. Trying to transcribe my hand-written letter is painful and I would not even consider mailing the original. It’s so hard for me to talk about my feelings. I always think of Fran Leibowitz’s comment that spilling your guts is just as attractive as it sounds. So it seems like we have no choice – it will have to be a conversation rather than a correspondence.

I hope that you won’t think I’ve “copped out” with this letter. You’re probably expecting something longer or more detailed or more SOMETHING – well, it’s 6 o’clock and if I don’t send this soon I’ll have to apologize again, so…

If you really need me to do a “better” job with this, I will try. It would probably have to stay in the hand-written form, though. Transcription just doesn’t cut it as it forces me to edit myself – something no one should ever be forced to do.

I await your reply.

Maura

patient-lee waiting

2005-02-02T06:55:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ home,work

Maura,

There really isn't any need to keep apologizing; suffice to say that once you are ready to send it, I will be ready to read it. Hope you feel better soon.

butterflies

2005-02-02T02:38:00.000Z

Maura @ HOME (!!!) > Jeff @ home

Haven't heard from me because I've been sick. Didn't go to work today. Feeling better now, but still shakey. Will probably go in tomorrow and send your letter.

Sorry.

playing it cool

2005-02-01T08:40:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

No need to apologize, it sounds like this letter you composed is something worth waiting for!

second thoughts?

2005-02-01T01:27:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff -- I'm really tired so it will be tomorrow. Sorry. I didn't sleep well last night and today has been very busy.

bated breath (honest!)

2005-01-31T18:31:00.000Z

Jeff @ work > Maura @ home

I genuinely look forward to reading it.

brace yourself my boy....

2005-01-31T18:13:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,

Over the weekend I composed a letter to you which I will transcribe - I doubt if you would like to try and read it - and send to you (hopefully) later today.

Maura

treats in the mail

2005-01-31T12:09:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

Hi,

I can only assume the pictures in the article (on The Simpsons which you took the trouble of mailing) remind you of the poster on the back of my door. Given our recent exchanges, I tried to find a further meaning but unfortunately I was found wanting!

I thus tried to think of an corresponding gesture I could do in return, and all I could come up with was for me to videotape a TV documentary on Vanity Fair and send it to you. Of course I won't ACTUALLY do this, but as we all know, it's the thought that counts!

By the by....Mom is delighted with the yarn, Rebecca with the skirt, and Christopher with the packages the yarn came in which he uses as hats (honest!).

Jeff

poster child

2005-01-31T10:08:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home [via snail mail-not sure exactly when sent, post mark is unclear, but seems to be January twenty-somethingth]

[Accompanying handwritten note] "WHEN I SAW THIS IN A MAGAZINE IT WAS LIKE DEJA-VU ALL OVER AGAIN...."

time for reflection

2005-01-26T00:17:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

Noone is banishing you from anywhere. I asked you if you consider yourself part of the family, you failed to say yes, then I have to assume it's no. If you are going to react to the content of my emails please read them thoroughly.

Mom is too busy worrying about where she is going to live in the next few months to think about who's in her family. I suppose you are going to say "poor her" as well?

I am particularly fascinated by your phrases "Lofty and Omnipotent delusions of your own Place in the World" and "You'll justify your own way through life and nothing I can do will stop it". Maybe they do apply to me to an extent, but I really think they ought to spring to mind when you look in the mirror as well.

"Running around picking people up and dropping them off is a JOB?" No, it's being there when my family needs me, not that I expect you would understand the concept. That was MY message which was obviously too hidden for YOU. Again, I strongly recommend you take a few days to reflect on all I have said before you react any more.

You will not hear from me again until after the weekend; maybe you can set aside a half hour somewhere outside work to give this matter your undivided attention so maybe your retorts will be somewhere in the vicinity of the subject matter.

To be honest, there really isn't much more I can say anyway. At least I can always say I tried. It's midnight now, time to rest my fevered brain. Good night.

i'm telling mom on you!!!!

2005-01-25T22:21:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,

You are just outrageous! Poor you! Running around picking people up and dropping them off is a JOB? This is WORK?

You seriously need to get a grip.

As far as the MATH is concerned, I DID the math and found 25 1/4 years unaccounted for - which total all the time between your birth and that of your first child. There is a message in there, but it may be too hidden for you to read it. Even more likely, it does not agree with your very Lofty and Omnipotent delusions of your own Place in the World.

Not to worry! You'll justify your own way through life and nothing I can do will stop it.

Nor should I wish to. Considering what you've shown me these past few days, you are in great need of justifications. That you mistake them for reality, however, is pathetic.

I still would like to know, however, if Mom has had any input on my banishment from The Family -- and that I would very much like to know.

Can you tell me?

I'm all ears.

who's the parent here?

2005-01-25T21:22:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

Sorry my reply has taken so long, as we have just finished our dinner in a day where I brought Mom to her physiotherapy session at Donnybrook, picked Rebecca up from school to bring her for her eye appoinment, picked Mom up to take her home, then dropped Rebecca home before coming back here to start said dinner. All in a day's "work"!!!

I want no more than what you can spare from your hectic lifestyle which you seem so determined to defend. As you are twenty years older and wiser, I was hoping you could tell me what that was. Doesnt matter if its financial, emotional, spiritual, animal, vegetable or mineral; anything would be a damn sight better than nothing.

No need for me to reply to comments like "Papa Lee", "You'll be hearing from me", and "Next Generation", for they are as pathetic as they are redundant.

On the Pengate scandal, you seem to think I was horribly upset by your criticism. I put it to you - one person speaks up for himself, the other storms upstairs, slams the door several times and sulks for a couple of days. Who got more upset? Your vocalization of criticism of me may have taken 9 3/4 years, but mine of you has taken 35. Do the math.

Most of what I would have to say in response to your recent offering to this discussion is contained in the emails I have already sent you. I suggest you take a bit of time to read them properly. If you have any free time, that is.

boldly going where no lee has gone before

2005-01-25T18:53:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,

Shall we cut to the chase -- what is that you really want? You say (and I quote): financial, practical or even emotional help.

I take it that your prime choice is the first choice, so how much will it cost me to buy my way into the New Lee Family?

What is "practical" help, when it is at home? How might I offer "practical" help from a distance of 6000+ miles? Please explain.

You obviously deem emotional help, as every venomous word you have hurled at me of late has shown, well beyond my poor capacity.

"Please appreciate I take no pleasure in this." Don't make me laugh - this belongs in the category of you not wanting to use your parenting comment against me, when obviously you'd been storing it up for years, waiting for a chance to use it. It took 9 3/4 years, but I finally did vocalize a criticism of you. And of course you were right there with your retort - FINALLY! What a relief it must have been!!!!!

Had I known how you were holding this (rather childish and hypocritical*) maxim so close to your heart - keeping it fluffed up and ready to spring at the slightest hint of anything that could possibly be construed as criticism - I would have given you the opportunity of using it and getting it off your already burdened chest quite some time ago.

So what is it that you want? Or should I say - how much do you want? Am I to contribute to your support so that you won't have to get a job? So that I can see my own mother once a year? Do, please, enlighten and astonish me. You seem to have a boundless resource of astonishing thoughts just bursting from your fevered brain, but please try to focus on those germane to the issue or my membership in Lee Family - the Next Generation.

Maura

* you have never played professional soccer, yet I seem to recall having heard you make a suggestion (or two or a thousand) as to how a certain play should have been made. The same is true of you and politics - you've never served in a government job nor have you in any way been anything but a spectator in, yet you certainly have opinions galore on the subject. Opinions are good - I'm told it is what makes us "free".

What did I offer, but an opinion?

papa don't preach

2005-01-25T17:58:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,

Does this make you Papa Lee? I think not.

You'll be hearing from me. By the way, does Mom go along with your decision to boot me out of la familia?

thanks but no thanks

2005-01-25T12:00:00.000Z

Maura @ home > Grandma @ home (via snail mail, complete with uncashed cheque that was posted Jan 4; the letter was dated Jan 18th, though I very much doubt it was sent that day)

Hi Mom,

Maybe I'll be able to come later in the year. For certain, though, @ Xmas.

xx

Maura

consequences

2005-01-25T08:18:00.000Z

Jeff@ home > Maura @ work, home

[Subject = Last one I promise, I suggest you read carefully]

Don't worry, I will respect your wishes and leave you in peace after this.

Funny how you accuse me of lack of empathy. I find it an inspiration to know that you somehow managed to get through your first 35 years of life without ONCE ever feeling the need to challenge your mother. Congratulations.

Be very sure of the implications of your decision. I have asked you what you plan to do to contribute toward your family, be it in the form of financial, practical or even emotional help. Your response has amounted to nothing. I thus take that as a mandate to officially take control of this family; one that comprises me, Mom , Rebecca and Christopher. It is one that you have made it clear you want no part in.

Please appreciate I take no pleasure in this. However, there is nothing I have said that did not need to be said. I hope and I pray that after reflection you will come to see this, but I will not hold my breath. The door will always be open to you, should you one day choose to go through it. Until that day, rest assured that you will no longer hear from any of us. The ball is most definitely in your court. Give our regards to Gracie and Maggie.

Jeff

a final decision

2005-01-25T00:11:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,

Please be so kind as to leave me in peace. You and I have nothing to say to each other.

Maura

freudian slip of the finger?

2005-01-24T10:28:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work,home

My apologies, that shooting fish email was supposed to be saved until later in the week yet I appear to have hit the wrong button and sent it. Oh, well.

shooting fish in a barrel

2005-01-24T10:24:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work, home

Having given you a week as promised, I can now proceed to easily pick off your numerous misguided assertions in your emails. I will begin with the one I received on Jan 20 @ 12:33pm PDT

1. The check that Mom gave me was not specifically for anything in particular. [The check that Mom gave you was written at my behest. Although I have no remorse over the nature of my response to your challenge over dealing with Rebecca, I did regret the timing, and I was afraid you may use the incident as an excuse not to come over at Christmas, so I asked her to write you the check so that you may not claim poverty. The plan, as we all know, did not succeed.]2. The 2nd check is on its way back to Mom. [Ripping up a check normally has the same effect, but I am glad to hear that you can at least afford some postage in your financial plight.]3. I never said for sure I would come in january, but that I would try to do so. [I told you that I was hoping to get away for a weekend in January, which would naturally have involved a degree of planning. While this was not the only reason by any means for wanting you to travel, simple common courtesy would dictate that timely notification of your failure to do so was necessary.]
I hope this helps your confusion.

1:30pm PST

Jeff,Whether I consider myself part of this family is not a valid question. [A truer politician-style avoidance of a question has rarely been seen. I can only assume that your response leans more toward NO.]I dislike your abusive tone, though. That I will most definitely admit.If you can't communicate with me without being abusive, then perhaps you shouldn't. I do no at all care for it - that's a fact. [Attacking the style as opposed to the content implies said content has a large degree of accuracy.]

3:49pm PST
I think you need to grow up. Getting a job might help [At least now I have evidence that you do not consider caring for your 95 year old mother, not to mention my two kids better than one night in four, to be any kind of work. Pretty much what I expected. As for the growing up thing, apparently the irony is clear to all but your good self.]Please be so kind as to respect the fact that I DO have a job and do NOT appreciate receiving upsetting and infuriating messages while I am trying to do it. [You have a computer and internet at home, not to mention a telephone, you spend all of your time outside of work at home, yet not ONCE have you replied to any email I have sent to your home address. Considering I have taken this decision to challenge you, how else was I supposed to do it?]

5:39pm PST

Hi Jeff,
Sorry - I couldn't wait to read this.
At first glance, it sounds exactly like I thought it would - poor Jeff. You see everything as rotating around you. That is NOT reality for anyone but you. [Ah, more irony!!!! I think this makes you the pot and me the kettle.]
Perhaps it's not completely your fault - you were rather spoiled [I have a piece of paper here signed by you which hands over responsibility for my upbringing to your parents. I don't care if they locked me in a dungeon and fed me nothing but bread and water, it does not give you any right to criticise how they reared me.] but please don't think that this is received wisdom. It is not, in fact, wisdom by any true definition of the word.
I've known for sometime that you were filled to the brim with resentment, and I had a pretty fair idea of where you laid the blaim[sp].NOT, of course, on Pappa Pagan -- the guy who wanted to have nothing at all to do with you or with me when there was a need. [You talk about steering into dangerous waters? I will give you ONE CHANCE to refute this lie. I have my own issues with him, and they are none of your business. Regardless of what he has said about what happened at that time, and regardless of what Mom has said, YOU told me he wanted to call me Aaron. Is this the action of a "guy who wanted to have nothing at all to do with" me???]
Much of what you have accused me of is your resentment of choices that I have made. You have never, and probably WILL never, had any empathy for anyone [To expose the irony of this accusation, I refer you to my challenge to you from several years back; "What exactly do you do to help other people ever?" to which you replied "I help people move occasionally." Feel free to criticise me for lack of empathy when you work out what exactly it is.] except perhaps your daughter.[Word to the wise, Maura, I actually have a son as well. Should I see any significance in the fact that you only appear interested in how I treat my daughter? When the Who Robbed The Pen Debacle happened while you were here, should I perhaps have made her kneel on the floor until she admitted to the heinous crime of thinking it was for her?] I think that you probably have a lot for her - it's a pity that it will do her nothing but harm. [Is THIS received wisdom? Please enlighten me as to from whence it came.]
You're steering this into dangerous waters, my boy. I hope you know what you're doing. [If the two of us steer into dangerous waters, I am overwhelmingly confident my vessel would be far more seaworthy than yours. That is a pathetic statement, Maura. I know exactly what I'm doing, I just regret not having done it sooner.]

gauntlet taken

2005-01-22T12:11:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ home, work

I am going to give you a week to digest what I have said, since your "first glance" appears to have been remarkably selective.

My overall intention with these emails is to brew the coffee in the hope that you might wake up and smell it. So far, you seem to have a bad case of nasal congestion.

One thing I WILL respond to, however, is your little threat at the end, and my response entails but three words - BRING IT ON.

ironic choice of weapon

2005-01-22T01:39:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Hi Jeff,

Sorry - I couldn't wait to read this.

At first glance, it sounds exactly like I thought it would - poor Jeff. You see everything as rotating around you. That is NOT reality for anyone but you.

Perhaps it's not completely your fault - you were rather spoiled - but please don't think that this is received wisdom. It is not, in fact, wisdom by any true definition of the word.

I've known for sometime that you were filled to the brim with resentment, and I had a pretty fair idea of where you laid the blaim. NOT, of course, on Pappa Pagan -- the guy who wanted to have nothing at all to do with you or with me when there was a need.

Much of what you have accused me of is your resentment of choices that I have made. You have never, and probably WILL never, had any empathy for anyone - except perhaps your daughter. I think that you probably have a lot for her - it's a pity that it will do her nothing but harm.

You're steering this into dangerous waters, my boy. I hope you know what you're doing.

floodgates open

2005-01-21T10:13:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work, home

I would have been be happy to discuss this with you when you were at home but in case you have forgotten, you appear too busy to answer your phone or check your voice mail or respond to emails when at home to give any kind of timely response. Nonetheless, I have also sent a copy of this email to your home address, so feel free to delete this and peruse when at home at your leisure.

**********************************************

I fully appreciate the nature of this "world" that you have created for yourself; one in which you actually believe that you bear no responsibility for anything that has ever happened in your life. If anything I have been too cognisant of this fact over the years, and have been unwilling if not actually afraid to confront you on important issues. Now I see my situation for exactly what it is, and it's time you got to see it too.

First, you let your parents take care of your son while he was too young, while you led the single life. I actually have no problems with that, even if you did sign a paper allowing them to take him thousands of miles away from you, and having two kids of my own, I just cannot fathom how anyone could do that. Now, you are letting your son take care of your parents when they are too old when all you appear to be doing is working, reading books and playing with your cats. That is the extent of your life based on the information you give us. Then you claim to have no money to be able to come over and visit the only real family you have when you seem incapable of realizing that maybe your son might appreciate if not deserve some help in what he is doing.

If my son had been taking care of my parents for me, and I flew over for my father's funeral, I would at least ask him if he was all right, let alone see if there was anything I could do to help. I would also say how much I appreciated what he was doing, and that I understood how difficult it must be for him to also take care of my mother, and that I would at least be there for emotional support whenever he needed it. I would not spend the whole time criticizing him over a bit of dust in the hallway or heaven forbid try to give him advice as to how and when to scold his own children when I myself had chosen to shirk that particular responsibility when given the chance.

The most laughable part of all this is that YOU ask ME to grow up. I take it this implies that you think you are mature. So when a discussion gets a little heated, storming up to your room and slamming the door several times is mature. I must bear that in mind.

If you are upset and infuriated by my emails, then all I can say is, welcome to my world. That is exactly how I feel when I realize all I have had to put up with the past few years while my mother was too busy trying to save the Nation of Palestine to even notice. Perhaps you can't change the past, but you can definitely shape a future for both yourself and your family, and that is what I am trying to do. All I want to know is, will I be doing it with or without your support.

a tad rich methinks.....

2005-01-20T23:49:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

I think you need to grow up. Getting a job might help

Please be so kind as to respect the fact that I DO have a job and do NOT appreciate receiving upsetting and infuriating messages while I am trying to do it.

a home truth or two

2005-01-20T21:57:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

I have bent over backwards to be polite up to now. Check every email I have sent you since your last visit. I am sick of bending over backwards and considering your feelings when it becomes increasingly clear to me that you haven't got a clue what I am faced with over here. Have you ANY idea of the financial mess this family is in? Has it crossed your mind even for a second that now Dad's pension is no longer in the equation there is no way we can continue to live here in Booterstown? I would have to get a full time job which would mean I could not give Mom the support she needs. She cannot be left on her own in any size dwelling for long periods of time. Important decisions have to be made, and I just wanted to know if you wanted to be involved in them. What you call abuse, I call telling it like it is. We need to resolve this, and pretty damn quick.

touched a nerve perhaps?

2005-01-20T21:30:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff,Whether I consider myself part of this family is not a valid question.

I dislike your abusive tone, though. That I will most definitely admit.

If you can't communicate with me without being abusive, then perhaps you shouldn't. I do no at all care for it - that's a fact.

the gloves start to come off

2005-01-20T20:58:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

Maura, it would take a hell of a lot more than that to clear up my confusion when it comes to you. Let's cut to the chase here. Do you consider yourself part of this family? If not, please let me know and I will stop bothering you. If so, please tell me exactly what you can do to contribute so I can include it in my plans for the future.

tentative reply

2005-01-20T19:43:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

1. The check that Mom gave me was not specifically for anything in particular.
2. The 2nd check is on its way back to Mom.
3. I never said for sure I would come in january, but that I would try to do so. .

I hope this helps your confusion.

the opening salvo

2005-01-20T16:42:00.000Z

From Jeff @ home to Maura @ work.

Please clear up the confusion surrounding your visit, as I was under the impression that you were coming over here for 2 weeks in January. As it is now the 20th, this seems unlikely to occur, so we were wondering what the latest position was. I assume money is not the problem, since Mom has donated $2000 for your tickets, unless the second check never arrived in the mail, please advise if so. It would just be easier to plan things here if we had an idea of where things stood, thank you.

J

the last glimpse of "mr nice guy"....

2005-01-18T22:38:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

Just wondering, glad to hear it.

clean over her head

2005-01-18T22:24:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

fine and dandy. why¿

you did say you were coming in january right?

2005-01-18T22:14:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

once again, is everything ok?

so...nothing for your grandson for xmas then?

2005-01-17T20:45:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Jeff -- they are both for her - birthday presents.

BACKGROUND INFO

Shortly after my challenging emails began on January 20th, a barrage of packages arrived for both my kids as well as my grandmother.

package deal?

2005-01-17T19:43:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

A skirt arrived for Rebecca, and she loved it, then a second package arrived for her last Friday - is there one on the way for him, before I give her the second one?

the check's in the mail

2005-01-04T12:00:00.000Z

Jeff/Grandma @ home > Maura @ home [via snail-mail, letter was accompanied by check written by grandma to the tune of $1000]

Hi Maura,

I presume this together with the other cheque Mom wrote for you back in September will cover the cost of you flight here in January as you intended. We all look forward to hearing details of your trip.

Jeff

three is company

2004-12-29T17:33:00.000Z

Brenda @ work > Jeff @ home

Hi Jeff! Maura came over to visit me, Michelle & Makena on Saturday, 12/4 and we had a great time, just the three of us. I knew she usually took time off during the holidays to go to Ireland and she said she was really bummed about not being able to go because a co-worker was taking that time off, too. I invited her to come over Christmas day and have dinner with us - just the family - and she said she'd let me know. I got an email from her a couple of days before Christmas and she said she was planning to come and we'd pick her up at BART. I called her Christmas morning and left a message to reconfirm the time to pick her up, and she called back saying she was not feeling well, had a bad cold. She said she planned to be at work on Monday and we'd connect on getting together after the new year.

She seemed OK emotionally, and did sound a bit under the weather, but on top of that I suspect she was really bummed about not being with you at Christmas this year. The holidays are just no fun when you're not with the ones you truly want to be with! That was why I really wanted her to come over. I thing me and Michelle are the closest family she has here and we had a really nice time together on the 4th. I'll call her today to make sure she's OK, and set a date to get together.

I love the picture of Rebecca, Christopher & your grandma!!!!! Ann looks wonderful! Please tell Rebecca we send our love and a BIG birthday hug & kiss.

I'll keep you posted on your mom. I'll call her now.

Love,
Brenda

blatant spying mission

2004-12-29T12:43:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Brenda @ work

Hi Brenda,

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! Do you have pictures from Xmas Day? I was wondering if you can tell me if you thought Maura seemed ok, we are a bit worried about her over here as we haven't heard from her and she hasn't responded to my emails. Everything is fine here, find attached a pic taken on Rebecca's birthday which was Xmas Eve.

Regards to all,

Jeff

birthday blues

2004-12-26T14:14:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

Can I at least tell your grand daughter that you have some kind of card for her 10th birthday in the mail and that it just didn't arrive in time? She wasn't exactly heartbroken, but she did ask me if we would hear from you.

BACKGROUND

My daughter's 10th birthday was Christmas Eve. We did not hear from Maura at all that day, nor did a card arrive. About a week later, a package arrived dated the day after this email was sent, and contained a skirt for Rebecca. A week later, yet another toy arrived, again for Rebecca.

as good a time as any

2004-12-24T21:50:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ home

To talk to me or the kids, anytime before 2:30pm our time. Mom will be here all day.

a good time to call

2004-12-22T18:32:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

I'm going to Brenda's for Xmas, but not until the afternoon. Please tell me exactly what times to call on Saturday, ok?

I'll be here tomorrow, but not on Friday.

BACKGORUND INFO

The Brenda in question here is my Aunt Brenda Carter Moreno, who lives in the East Bay. She has been trying to get my mother to go visit her and her family for at least the past ten years. On the few occasions I was travelling as well, Maura has always agreed to go until the very day of travelling, when she we would come up with some excuse not to make the trip. To our astonishment, on Dec 4, 2005, she actually made the trip for the day. I would dearly love to have been a fly on the wall! According to Brenda, my mother was again invited to visit on Christmas Day, though I had a private bet with myself that this would not happen.

I was genuinely busy when this email arrived, since one of the advantages of having Maura over at Xmas was to lighten my load at the festive season. I genuinely did not get this email in time to reply to her at work before she finished for the holidays. My mother does, however, have full broadband internet at home, and I did not think it unreasonable to send the reply to her home address.

pleading poverty

2004-12-06T22:42:00.000Z

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Hi Jeff,

I'm waiting until airfares go down a bit before I book a trip and it looks like that isn't going to happen very soon, so it might be early February, but I'll keep you posted.

If you hear of airfares lower than $700/please let me know. Everything I've seen for january is 'way up there in the $800-1000 range.

Maura

details please!

2004-12-06T10:33:00.000Z

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

do you have any idea when in January you plan to come over? Sandra and I were hoping to plan a weekend away around that time and your being here to be with Mom would naturally be the ideal time!

J

fare is fair

2004-10-18T22:24:00.000+01:00

Maura @ work > Jeff @ home

Funny you should ask.....I was going to call this past weekend, but somehow the time got away from me.

It looks like i'm not going to be able to come at Xmas because the woman who does my job when I'm gone has asked for December 13th through the 31st for her vacation. My boss won't let us both go on vacation at the same time, so it looks like I'll have to miss Xmas this year.

I can, however, come in january, once the holiday peak season is over, although with the high cost of fuel, airline prices are higher than I've seen them in years.I'm really disappointed about Xmas, but I suppose it's only fair that she not always have to work through the season, and I have gone every year for the past 6. I still say, though, that Santa's gonna put coal in her stockiing.

I'll call this next weekend, or maybe during the week if I get a chance from work. xxx

Maura

polite enquiry

2004-10-18T15:18:00.000+01:00

Jeff @ home > Maura @ work

Were you able to get a good deal on your flights for Xmas?

how this all started (the thumbnail version)

2004-10-17T00:00:00.000+01:00

My mother has come over to visit me, her own parents who brought me up as well, and my two children every Christmas for the past 6 years. She lives in San Francisco, California and we live 5000+ miles away in Dublin, Ireland. This year, my grandfather passed away at the ripe old age of 91, and she made an extra visit for his funeral in August. We had an unfortunate contre-a-temps a couple of days after the service. Despite this, she claimed to have left with the intention of making the trip over at Christmas as usual, and her mother ever wrote her a cheque for $1000 towards her fare. Once back in the USA, however, she claimed she could not get time off since a "colleague" wanted it instead, and that she would come instead in January, airfares permitting. To call her bluff, we sent her a second check for $1000. As of the 20th of January, she had not given any notification whether or not she was planning to travel.

For more background info, see these particular entries on one of my other blogs.

"years of admiration"

and

"years of despair"

loneliness

2004-09-11T18:37:00.000+01:00

Oh you keep it to yourself
You think that no one ever listens
Everybody’s turning away
And when you finally get your chance to speak
It only comes out wrong
And so I sing my song
I sing a song about loneliness

Oh it leaves ya reeling
Not the best of feelings
Knowing you’re your own best friend
You just stand in the rain
As you’re feeling the pain
And you wonder will it ever end
I sing a song about loneliness

But I know that life goes on
I gotta assure myself that it’s gonna get better
And I can only pray
Can’t wait for the day
That I can get up and say
That I’ve found a way
To stop feeling alone

Oh I sing a song about loneliness

© JL Pagano 1986

thinking of your body

2004-09-11T18:29:00.000+01:00

I’m thinking of your body
Your figure had me mystified
And when I saw your face I almost died
I was overcome with emotion
And you never knew, I trust,
That when I saw you all dressed up
I got a very very very strange sensation
The window was full of condensation
And ever since that fateful day I’ve been

Thinking of your body
I’m thinking of your body
I’m behavin very oddly
When I’m thinking of your body

In the pouring rain
I could’ve asked your name
Instead I turned away
There was nothing left to say
And though I’d never condone
And entire life alone
One thing I’ll always enjoy is

Thinking of your body
I’m thinking of your body
I’m behavin very oddly
When I’m thinking of your body

But although you’ve got me feeling oh so good
I’m wondering if I ever could
Just bring myself to talk to you
Cos I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life just

Thinking of your body
I’m thinking of your body
I’m behavin very oddly
When I’m thinking of your body

© JL Pagano 1985